It’s not Wednesday

It comes in waves. Soaring through the skies one day only to drown in the sea the next.

I’m lying…

It’s not like that at all, because I can feel myself falling from the sky. Clouds leaving me, the water approaching. I see it, can feel it and fear it. I think that is what I hate the most. Knowing, yet still not being able to do anything about it. Slowly feeling it approach, clinging to every bit of happiness and it still not being enough. Before I know it, I am drowning with nothing to hold on to. Nothing to pull me out these waters.

Nothing. No one…

No one. I see no one. My family is nonexistent. My friends figments of my imagination. The water blurs my vision until there is no one. Only me. I hate me. I hate this me that cowards, I hate this me that can’t commit to anything. I hate this me whose voice disappears. I hate this me that cant see past tomorrow. Who’s so crippled by my own insecurities I’ve pushed away the people I care about and can’t stop.

I’m sorry…

I’s sorry for hurting you. Sorry for being too weak. Sorry for not being able to properly love you. For being selfish and keeping you at bay. I see it, how hard you try. I can hear you calling out my name, your arms extended just waiting for me. Pleading. I’m scared. I hate me, how can you love me? How? When I despise me.

I’m trying…

Tomorrow when it’s Wednesday, I will try again. I will try every day, and if I fail most days its okay because I will try. For you; who loves me, who has given me so much, who has never left my side, who is always smiling, who sees in me what I cannot I will try.

One day I will learn to swim, maybe even fly. I too will love this me.

 

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